After the break-up, I regressed for a few months in the attempt to transform. It was some semblance of a breakdown although I was moving forward simultaneously. I wanted something exactly opposite of what the relationship had been. I drank, I smoked, I stayed up far later than was healthy, and then floated through days at work. This is the first time I dealt with depression in such a physically destructive way. When I was 15, I would spend days alone in my room, feeling sad, waiting for a rescuer. One day I woke up and simply decided I would never do that to myself again. This time happened a little differenty...
I don't regret any decision I have made in these last few months, including the break-up. It needed to happen. I also needed to shake off who I had been, shock myself out of my skin. I can feel electricity returning to my limbs. I don't want to surround myself with the people who bring out this destructive side of me.
I am happiest when I am working toward something. When I look at my students, it fills me with a light that I can't feel from anything else with the exception of horses. I see people in my life who have these stories. Stories of pain and anguish that they carry with them. They keep them close, like a treasure. They identify themselves through the pain they filter. I don't want that anymore. I want to see what is beautiful about my life. I want to bathe in it. I want to run with it and not look back.
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