Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fruits of My Labor - The Fuck You Edition

Just the other day I applied for a job as an Office Assistant for a small practice in La Jolla. To my surprise, I received an e-mail that same day inviting me to an interview session on the following day (meaning Tuesday). To my dismay, I had a shift at B&N that same evening, and so I promptly returned the e-mail with a request to reschedule, questionnaire filled out, resume reattached. The whole she-bang. Proactivity is the name of the game, folks. Lahnna was on the ball, and here is the response I got:

"Hi Lahnna,


Dr. K- is the one who is in charge of hiring and thus the one who meets with all potential employees. He is busy treating patients during the day and the only is only available to interview this evening at 7:30 PM. I will hold onto your e-mail and let you know should we decide to have another interview soon.
Again, thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

NoName"

At your request, I just sifted through your website, looked at cutesy office photos, read your client stories, only to have you tell me that you won't even consider sitting down with me and my very awesome resume? Fuck you. Apparently all that bullshit about wanting a proactive, multi-tasker is exactly that: bullshit. You want someone who is going to think for themselves, but only when it is right for you. "Don't color outside the lines, Lahnna! Did pre-school teach you nothing!?"

Did these people honestly think that posting an ad on Sunday would enable people to just wipe their weekly schedule clean? Is that what makes me worthy of this job? My ability to drop prior commitments? Fuck that. Some of us do work at night, and some of us can't afford to call out of an 8-hour shift when it was by the graces of some god that we earned those hours in the first place.

Jesus H. Christ. I am trying to support myself, an almost 25-year old woman with bills for children. I have a friggin' Bachelors in English, a minor in B.A., extensive Spanish studies, non-profit experience, education experience, customer service experience. I did not spend 4 years supporting myself through school to get shafted by the Golden State.

Bonus for the Day: My car is not getting repossessed. (Yeah, a pretty big bonus.)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

? Sleep

Last night, I dreamed that many people I knew died. We were trapped, or maybe we just lived, in a vast cavern.

There was a warning and then the lights went out. People began dying. I remember running, tripping over people, being tripped over.

I could feel the bodies of the fallen under my feet as I felt for a path. Eventually the screaming stopped and all was quiet. I was alone.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Head above water.

Life grows steadily more difficult as time presses on. I am unsure of what to do about my ever-mounting bills and my lack of a financially stable job. However, as it looks in California, no job is financially stable. The unemployment rate is just over 12% now. Rates of pay are low low low. Part of me is kicking myself for the loss of my job with High Tech High, but I don't think it could have been helped either way...

I am attempting to bite the bullet now, pay off what bills I can, and stay in contact with my landlord who has been more than his share of understanding. I feel my anxiety grow a little each day and I am trying to create space in my mind where I can feel sane.

Something needs to change. I need to figure out what I am doing wrong because my job situation certainly is not for a lack of trying. Thank goodness for Barnes & Noble, or I'd be completely destitute.

--When you're in the middle of the ocean, no flotation device in sight, you have no choice but to tread water. Your legs tire, you swallow salt water, throw it back up when you get too full, swallow more. But you have no other choice. Death is never an option. And so you continue to tread.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I am the Royal English Breakfast of women.

“A woman is like a tea bag, you can not tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Silence is a source of great strength."

I don't like to fill silence for the sake of filling the silence. Sometimes it is just better to be. To sit, and think, and be with one's own mind. If I cannot think of something to say, I know it is because I was not meant to say anything in that moment. The music takes over. Or the sound of the cars rushing past. Or the night sky closing in around me.

At times, those moments are better. The ones when you can sit beside the one you love, contemplating two very different ideas, but still simultaneously share in the moment. You are both a part of it. Independent and together.

I grow frustrated when conversation turns trivial sometimes. I am then forced to remain invisible on Facebook, or to make up excuses as to why my desire to converse has waned. I suppose I should simply tell the truth: that I have no desire to speak with that person about such details. I feel as though I am not practicing love in this way. The desire to roll my eyes and grit my teeth grow strong as I laboriously concoct a half-interested response, or feign amusement with the overt use of "LOL" and "Haha".

Is it because I find my own agenda that much more amusing and important? I wish I could simply shut my mind off, and be able to listen to everyone. My apathy towards the trivial is not attached to a lack of feeling for the individual. Sometimes I simply need to shut my brain off. I spend more time doing and being, and so the time I do take to stop and breathe is best spent reflecting and resting.

Monday, September 14, 2009

free-form haiku

muscles twitch gently
as sleep washes through my bones
bleached in love and sun

The mind is its own universe.

I really want to take a moment to explore why I enjoy Rilke's quote so very much. It touches upon this idea that I feel is never seen in a positive light, the action of wanting. That idea alone, can we even call it an action? Its very structure does not imply action, but it fails to fall short for its learned meaning does implicate the desire we all have toward bettering ourselves and our life situations. But is that the correct path? I do not think so, however; I do not think there is any one correct path. Please, humor me.

For years I have been taught the notion that "to want" is synonymous with being "incomplete" and "unfulfilled". However, Rilke has opened a door in my mind. Why must we despise the very nature of wanting when realistically it is what drives us forward? I do not feel that our human desire is an inherently dark cavern, never satiated, never filled. I do feel that it is obscure and blurred by the very fact that so few refuse to ever explore why they want. Everyone seems hellbent on destroying the beast; no one truly takes the time to understand it. Truly, we and this monster are one and the same.

Rilke is talking about wanting, yearning, desiring for all that life has to offer him. He wants to feel the cold sting and the warm touch. To me, this is a far more vast method of acceptance than even Taoist or Buddhist scriptures reveal. Religion and spiritual followings remain adamant that desire is forbidden. To desire is unclean. To want something means that you do not appreciate who you are in the present. Therefore, you must practice not wanting, not desiring if you seek the stillness and peace of mind that escape so many of us.

I appreciate what Rilke has to say due to the very nature of myself, a human. Who Lahnna is has become wrapped in my past, present, and future endeavors. My hopes, my dreams, my desires are all a part of this. I love to want and to be wanted. All humans thrive on this give and take of affection and attention. Our brains and bodies work in such delicate and intricate ways that we almost have no choice, but to feel what we feel. Even if we have no words for the particular brand of sensation coursing through us, we still feel them. I would rather honor myself and my mind by learning about these urges and responses than simply deny myself.

This discussion with myself, of course, has no segued into deeper discussions about who exactly Lahnna is, and what does she want? These are questions I ask myself time and time again. I like to think I am closer to knowing a definite answer; however, I also enjoy the not precisely knowing anything. The organization of this particular entry is atrocious, and most of my thoughts have escaped me. Consider this a free association, if you'd like.

After all, this is a topic I return to continuously. I am not my wants and desires. I am not my needs. What exactly am I? Is there a purpose to all of this? Am I merely an accident, wading through a myriad of currents and natural forces like all the other accidents?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

When there are no words.

"He drifted off into sleep and she looked down on him and felt a self-crushing love. So her soul crawled out from its hiding place"

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Kinship

You see, I want a lot.           
Perhaps I want everything:
the darkness that comes from every infinite fall
and the shivering blaze of every step up.
So many live on and want nothing...
You have not grown old, and it is not too late
to dive into your increasing depths
where life calmly gives out its own secret.


- Rainer Maria Rilke