Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dear Holly,

You are a wonderful roommate. You drive me places.

And you share your food.

And you make me laugh.

I am happy to be your roommate.

Hearts,

Lahnna
I am tired.

A lot is weighing on my mind.

Things I wish I did not have to be concerned about.

Nevertheless.

G'night.

Monday, June 29, 2009

applying myself.

So, there has been good news and great news in the life of little ol' LahnnaBell.

Liberty Mutual is still allowing me to collect to get my car fixed. Which means all I have to do is shell out for the deductible, and the rest is set. Mission Hills Collision Center, I heart you. Bella will have an new ass soon. And then shortly thereafter, I become a California citizen.

Got MS Office for little Mac here and I've got a sweet new resume to send out. There are a few positions I'm gunning for and hopefully whoever does the hiring has the good sense to know that I am awesome. I wish you could e-mail an aura. Mine would smell of night-blooming jasmine and radiate sunshine. If only...

I get a phone upgrade next month. Blackberry?

Gonna watch Bleach until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

Much love!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Options. Something I've never been good at.

But I have them nevertheless!

Looking at schools. The top of my list is Middlebury College for their Graduate Spanish Program where I would spend a summer session taking intense language courses and then an academic year abroad in Madrid doing the same thing.

Also, Monterey Institute of International Studies for either an MA in International Policy or Translation and Interpretation (for Spanish, of course).

Both programs are incredibly intense, and it will take some doing to get admitted to either. But if I could convince Endicott to take me on with a 2.5 high school GPA, this should be doable too.

Ugh. I've eaten enough oreos and I think I should pass out now.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Why do Massachusetts insurance policies have to be so frustrating?

Today would be the perfect day for a panic attack. But I won't. Because they don't solve anything and I have a lot to do in the next couple of days.

1. Get my car repaired. At least the tail light.
2. Get a CA registration for my baby.
3. Sign a new insurance policy for CA.
4. Send my MA plates back pronto.

I know what I need to do. That's really half the battle. Now I just have to shell out some money (credit rather) to get this taken care of.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

i love this.

"these walls are paper thin and everyone hears every little sound"

Thanks, roommate.

I love listening to you and your boyfriend (my other roommate) tickling each other and squealing like school children.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Mondays tend to suck for various reasons.

Today's reason(s) are as follows: my awesomely awesome sunburn. We're talkin' sweet lobstah red. I'm sayin' it hurts to bend and unbend my legs. Mission Beach was gorgeous yesterday, but too much frisbee and a very interesting issue of Yoga Journal left my back and legs looking like someone had painted me a vibrant shade of "The Sun Hates You and Thinks You Should Burn". My fair French Canadian skin stood no chance against the mighty rays.

Last, but not least, I was just notified that my position at High Tech High would not be continued this fall. While it is quite a blow, I was not entirely surprised by it. Budgets have been really tight and funding for extra positions like "Tutors" or "Academic Coaches" has become unavailable.

Fran, my supervisor, found out last Thursday and decided it was best that we know as soon as possible. It is a bittersweet feeling for me. While I was looking forward to seeing my freshman become sophomores, I was not looking forward to another year of working with my ex. I am concerned about the economy and the lack of jobs, but I also welcome the new challenge that survival offers. Along with growing comfortable in a position, I also forget just how incredibly capable I am. This is something no one else truly knows but me. Even Patrick did not truly know how capable I can be until our break up became imminent and I was propelled to pack up and leave the apartment within a single weekend. Even I surprised myself then.

The only terribly awkward moment was Fran's intial address. I noticed that, though Holly, my roommate and coworker, was in the room, Fran spoke to me and the three other tutors, but would not look at Holly. Holly herself was doodling on a note pad, seemingly paying no mind to the conversation. I understood that this meant she had not lost her job and that she felt uncomfortable about the news and sad for the rest of us. She later confirmed my suspicions when we had time to talk at home. Regardless, it is not her fault and I harbor no anger toward her. Mostly, I feel frustrated with myself and the way my job performance took a nosedive after the break up. But that's an issue for another entry...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

brain dead

I work too much.

The end.

Monday, June 15, 2009

lust is delicious

something about the taste
on my lips
keeps me coming back

the scent you leave
on my clothes
has me daydreaming

i'm shakin' it off
shedding my skin
lettin' it go

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Ulenarga.

1 a.m.
in the Living Room,
Holly and I are
diligent, determined
Scrabbulous people.

2 a.m.
cools our tea
and ridiculousness
sets in
What is a "beer jedi"?

i will not make it to yoga tomorrow.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Your words are like fire.

I couldn't stand the sound of his voice today. Echoing throughout the hallways of the school.

I don't know if I'll be returning to High Tech High in the fall...

I purged this bad energy from body today during my yoga class. Expelled it with my breath. I held it out in my hand. Looked at it. Transformed it. And took it back into myself. As oxygen. As forgiveness.

The faint burning I feel inside is only faint. I will mutate it into something stronger.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

stumble, eat dirt, stand up, do it again.

We had a group of students today completely bomb their presentation on China-U.S. relations. The scope of the assignment was that each student take on a different perspective looking from the U.S. into China's own way of life and how U.S. officials can assist China in affecting change (My disagreement with this project premise is the least of my worries at this point). Granted, they are freshman, and they are still learning... but they've had all year to refine their research and presentation skills. I would hope that at this stage in the game they would at least be able to identify when it's time to ask for help. But alas... I return to making up lists and rubrics for them after the fact.

This frustrates me. Perhaps because there was no rubric in the first place. No specific guideline stating, "Here is what I want to see..." But that is not my fault. My main responsibility is to now help my students, "my kids", as I call them, as much as I can.

In other news, yoga was even better today. I felt a better stretch, and Mark came over to help me straighten my leg once or twice. "Breathe through it," he said after noticing my wince. And so I did.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Infinity is the same as finity.

I can't believe I gave up yoga for so long.

This feels amazing.

It felt amazing when Mark made me pull my arms back and pull my toes to my head into a full cobra.

Never have I had a better lower back stretch.

And I hadn't realized my left shoulder was as tight as it is.

I feel complete and endless simultaneously.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I am not my stories. I am not my thoughts. I am not.

After the break-up, I regressed for a few months in the attempt to transform. It was some semblance of a breakdown although I was moving forward simultaneously. I wanted something exactly opposite of what the relationship had been. I drank, I smoked, I stayed up far later than was healthy, and then floated through days at work. This is the first time I dealt with depression in such a physically destructive way. When I was 15, I would spend days alone in my room, feeling sad, waiting for a rescuer. One day I woke up and simply decided I would never do that to myself again. This time happened a little differenty...

I don't regret any decision I have made in these last few months, including the break-up. It needed to happen. I also needed to shake off who I had been, shock myself out of my skin. I can feel electricity returning to my limbs. I don't want to surround myself with the people who bring out this destructive side of me.

I am happiest when I am working toward something. When I look at my students, it fills me with a light that I can't feel from anything else with the exception of horses. I see people in my life who have these stories. Stories of pain and anguish that they carry with them. They keep them close, like a treasure. They identify themselves through the pain they filter. I don't want that anymore. I want to see what is beautiful about my life. I want to bathe in it. I want to run with it and not look back.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Your files have been restored.

I feel as though the last couple of months have consisted of me constantly existing in "restart" mode. I was not supporting my students in the best ways that I knew how. I was abusing my body by forcing myself to stay up late and then to fully function at my jobs. I was putting myself through unnecessary stress for the sake of finding out what I wanted. Again.

What did I find?

1. That my students are still as important to me as ever.
2. That I will be returning to High Tech High in the fall, whether as a tutor or a teacher.
3. I have made peace with the fact that I will most likely not be given a teaching position this fall. However, this by no means reflects on my inability to teach.
4. I am happy in San Diego for this time.
5. I miss horses. They are my little piece of Nirvana in this chaotic world.
6. I think I want to combine special education and horses.

It's amazing to feel this sense of relief. This sensation of sureness and confidence radiating from every part of me. New experiences, developments, and adventures await.