oreos for breakfast

While doing some personal research, I had an interesting realization based on a link that I happened upon. This is the Wiki on a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Something about it piqued my interest and so I began to read. As I read about this very complicated disorder, something clicked. I know I am not a psychologist or a therapist of any kind, but based on my experiences as a child and teenager, my father fits the description of this disorder down to the letter.

Some may say that this is no basis for a true diagnosis, and they would be right, but considering I do not make enough money to attend consistent counseling, and my father refuses to seek help for his very prominent mental issues, I am stuck with independent research. Locating this disorder and learning about its very real effects on people is helping to provide me with a closure I never had before.

I am reconciling with my own mind. I realize now that I am not crazy. That the emotional abuse I suffered under my father was real and that that was caused by this very real disorder. However, the trouble with this disorder is a catch 22. One of the symptoms or signs of a person with NPD is the inability to follow through on commitments (due to their ingrained belief that they are of sole importance). NPD isn't typically remedied through medication since it's basis lies not in a chemical imbalance (like Bipolar Disorder) but in an ingrained personality trait. Therefore, a commitment to long-term therapy is required.

After diving into more research, I came across another link that had very useful information about how the people in a Narcissist's life can help their disordered loved one, an article by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. One of the most useful tips for me was to establish emotional boundaries.

Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance. The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism's actions or positions personally. The narcissism, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it. In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist's world and take what is going on personally. Narcissism's actions are indiscriminate. They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity. An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person's emotions to penetrate one's own personal space.

Accountability skills are another important tool in the sustainability advocate's arsenal. Accountability skills, used in group settings, are extremely educational to promote awareness regarding the dynamics of power. Accountability skills reduce the tendency to be a victim, and provide inspiration and support for persons looking for the courage to successfully challenge narcissistic forces. Accountability creates "space" by obligating narcissistic forces to substantiate positions, communication and behavior. Accountability skills generate the conditions that require narcissistic forces to take responsibility for their intent or give up their position.

I used to play the victim when the circumstances turned bad. My father would yell at me for something I had done, and, being the child, I would respond with crying, pleading, and yelling in response. However, when I grew older, I began to establish these emotional boundaries Gregory speaks of. This also did not go over well, because my father, the Narcissist, then became threatened by my ability to control myself. I realized that he thrived on making me lose control in order to gain the upper hand in conversation and essentially "win". Our relationship suffered due to my need to establish independence and self-confidence and his inability to empathize with that.

Interestingly enough, I was once in a relationship that frequently experienced the same turbulence. We would argue about something (even a more trivial topic like dishes), and I would allow myself to become incensed to the point where I'd break down and cry out of frustration and anger. No matter requires this level of frustration. The real problem was my inability to establish emotional boundaries and simply walk away from the situation. I allowed the anger I felt toward my significant other to cloud my judgement, making me believe that to walk away was admitting defeat. Only when I began to decide to disengage from arguments did I see a change. I could then return to the issue later, calmer and ready to find a mutually beneficial solution. Granted, this is only one side of the oreo. The other side lay in the frustration and aggrandizement issuing from my significant other. Even if I can begin to make the effort to improve my reaction to stress and frustration, what good does it do if he does not want to assist by improving himself? Here we reached an impasse. One that we tried to circle around many times, but to no avail.

There are some novels I need to pick up about how to deal with these issues. I'm hoping that I can glean something from them that will help me in conversing with my father and in dealing with future relationships in general.

Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown
Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin