Monday, October 17, 2011

Free Association Monday 1.0

I sit here, pondering what to write while simultaneously wondering if I'm ever going to find the right path. Or perhaps the right path is not what I think it is. Perhaps there is no right path. There is only the endless winding and interconnection of different roads, connecting the vast space between it all. I find that my thoughts lately have been scattered. Too many choices, not enough money is how my ego tends to break it all down. I'm working on moving past this into a more complex state of thought. I don't want my mind to be content with black and white ideals. My mind feels out of practice. I trip over words when I read, I fuck up dialogue. College provided a lot of the structure that I now lack. I think that's why everyone wants to return to school. Besides the fact that you seem to now need a Masters degree to increase your self-worth, it seems that school is treated as a safe haven from the making mistakes and accepting their consequences... Heaven knows I will be dealing with consequences for the rest of my life. But I don't want to see that as a horrible life sentence. I don't think it is. It's part of the life we live. The one we choose to meet every day. Why should I feel ashamed of having fucked up? I'm learning, aren't I? Aren't we all?

Why am I condemning myself? It doesn't make sense. Because whether or not we like to acknowledge it, we make our own hells. It's entirely a state of mind that is entirely malleable. There is nothing stopping anyone from suddenly deciding to let the bullshit just be there, and not investing anymore blood and tears into the matter. Our egos are preventing us from getting there. The ideas that the new iPhone will make you happy. That things, money, stuff is all designed to get us to this distant ideal nirvana. I've never believed in the power of things. This is part of the reason I own very little. Even those objects that have significance... I've given a lot of them up because what really matters is the memory, the lasting impression an experience, a person, a feeling has left on my heart.

There is much to be thankful for, and I am still learning to remember that. The writing helps.

1 comment:

  1. I have a Masters, and I rather be in your position right now. I'm still living at home with my parents, and it's difficult. It's a difficult life. Can't get a job, and I'm right there with you - "I find that my thoughts lately have been scattered...not enough money is how my ego tends to break it all down."