I am virtually forcing myself to write in order to calm my nerves. I'm awaiting news that's going to drastically alter the path my life takes in these next few weeks, months, and hopefully, years. There is no certainty that this news will even arrive before my bedtime, but I am hoping. And I am hoping for a positive result. No, I'm not pregnant!
As an optimist and idealist, I want the best outcome for everyone. I've spent the better part of my life instilling my spot in the world as a conduit for positive energy, and the last few weeks have been no exception. In fact, now more than ever do I believe that emitting positive energy brings it back around. Like the Earth revolves around the sun, I know that this push and pull of energy is real. I can feel it in my blood.
Most people look at me like I just jumped off the Peace Train when I talk about these things, but their approval isn't my primary goal. I feel that if even one person can understand a small bit of the ideal I attempt to convey then I am doing something right. Even if their entire purpose is to disprove my personal doctrine, I don't take offense. Our world is so complex and so awe-inspiring that it begs us to question it. It's when we stop questioning that I become afraid. However, that fear never lasts long. My existence is too full of things to keep me distracted by negative energy and the impulses that follow.
I am accepting that no matter what follows, I'll still be all right. I am still breathing. Still loving. It reminds me of a moment, a short clip in my life, when I could have very easily lost everything. Everything being my very life breath. It was also in that moment I gave myself up, and accepted what was ahead of me. Fear did not vanish, but it morphed into something else entirely. It became strength.
They say the most important lessons are the ones you learn over and over again. And here I am, learning to let go again. No other choice.