An awakening of sorts...

Do you ever notice how much of your individuality begins to atrophy while you're in a relationship?

So much of what you do or say or think involves a completely different person. One separate from yourself. We begin to identify our selves, our personalities, our self-worth through our relationships, especially romantic ones.

I don't want this for myself. I don't want to be waiting by the phone until 2AM for someone else to confirm that I am worth their time. I don't want someone's Facebook status to pull on my heartstrings. I don't want to be seen as a package deal. That's not how this works.

I want to choose who I spend my time with. Not to have some predetermined schedule based on what my significant other is doing. I want to feel just as content spending my evening eating Ben & Jerry's, reading Inked, and exfoliating my feet as I do having the car door held open for me by a chivalrous gentleman.

It doesn't mean that I'm always happy to arrive home to a darkened house, or that I don't sometimes yearn for a soul mate when I see a couple cuddled together, picking out vegetables in the grocery store. Those feelings are normal and human, but they aren't looking to satiate them isn't propelling me toward any sort of personal growth... In fact, I think satisfying our need to be adored inhibits growth. Think about it...

Many people get into relationships because they want recognition that they are good, worthwhile, and lovable. Instead of choosing to learn about our selves, we transfer this responsibility to another human being. Understandably, this is not how a relationship begins, but over time I've realized that it becomes less and less about spending time with a person you care for, and more about satisfying one's selfish need to be wanted. When we are wanted, we are worth something. When someone calls you, they were thinking of you... It's a drug; a dependency.

I fear that this outlook has now rendered me incapable of wanting a relationship... This does not mean I cannot love. In truth, I believe I can love more and more fully when I am free to send it at my own will. But a relationship seems so selfish now... So presumptuous.

I don't want to be a measure of another's self worth. I can't possibly take on such a responsibility without inevitable occasional failure. It's not fair to the way our very human minds and bodies function.

Perhaps I'm simply dreaming all of this... And in that case, none of it really matters at all, does it?