Monday, March 7, 2011

Personal Reflection & Future Endeavors.

Peoples' stories will never cease to amaze me. The winding labyrinth of existence and how one decision leads to another fascinates me. I think about my own life story in this way too.

Sometimes I peruse Facebook in attempt to reminisce. With the added feature on FB that allows one to view past correspondence with their friends, I will take to flipping through the connections I've made to various men I once was in love with.

Some of them I dated before FB was born, but our conversations remain witty and playful. Some of them I very rarely converse with. Others are still sensitive subjects, and yet it's nice to look back on what brought us together in the first place. To remind myself that love doesn't die, but changes form. It must, for not one person remains the same each day.

Many of my major life decisions have centered on a relationship at one point in time. Many might find this limiting, but it has been anything but. While I did allow these relationships to dictate various paths I have walked, I haven't let them impede upon my own happiness, or obtaining the most joy from those walks. I learned to recognize when I was at my best and worst because of these connections, and that in turn gave me my foundation for self-improvement.

Much of the way I work is through self-reflection and analysis, similar to what one might do in a therapist's office, but internally. I have internal (sometimes external) conversations with myself about the energy I absorb, recycle, and expend, and how I interract with the world. The learning comes from paying close attention to how others receive me. This is not to say that I analyze everything I say before I say it... In fact, perhaps I could stand for a little more of that. I'm quite free in my manners of speech despite the trouble it gets me into regardless of my good intentions. However, the subtle eyebrow raise, or a sideways glance can mean everything as your looking to the person receiving your dialogue. Do I check myself and apologize profusely after I've erred? If the situation calls for it, but more often I keep my notes logged away for future reference. Primarily, I am a kinesthetic learner, and I work best when practicing my skills and replicating action.

I'm now attempting to use these powerful skills of reflection to create my future. Interestingly enough, last year was the first time I made a major life change that involved the separation of myself and someone I love very dearly. All my previous decisions, leaving for Europe, moving to San Diego, even my college of choice, had some reflection onto whom I was dating at the time. It still saddens me to think of what could've been, but too much was at stake for me to veer off the path I was on. It is, after all, my life and no one else's. How I live it matters to me, and me alone. Those that truly understand, know, and love me, would never begrudge me the happiness I deserve.

I am very proud of all that I've accomplished in this past year, despite the sporadic phantom pains of loss. They mostly only come at night, when the house is empty and dark, when my thoughts spiral into a series of "What if's". I am on my way to gaining something greater, and my only wish is that I could share that eternal knowledge with everyone I love. That quiet knowing that no matter how bad it gets, it's still all right.

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