I read into things way too much.

I am almost over it. This hanging back, chill, exterior. Feigning interest... whatever.

I lose myself in affection and attention. I lose myself over the stupidest things. It envelopes me like the soft, knitted blue blanket I had that always smelled of home. Full of holes, but still so warm and inviting. I make it work. Whatever it is that life hands me, I make it work.

What other option do we have?

I am not the type of person who flutters from one person to the next, though it may seem so. If I focus on you there is a reason. Problem is... I focus on everything. I want everything.

I want to breathe in life. I want to see it screaming at me. I want to be back on those cliffs in Greece. A moment where I felt alive because I could have died at any moment. Bleeding, scraped, burnt, wet, hungry, exhausted, alone.

I live my life at the edge of emotional exhaustion. I pour my heart into everything I do. I wrack my brain trying to figure out why this thing inside me needs to be this way. Why I am so immersed, almost drowning.

It's not the drama. I hate the drama. But I do love the rush of knowing that no matter how broken or scarred I am, or will become, it only makes me stronger in the end. The satisfaction of knowing that, yet again, I have conquered my fears and pushed forward. I love, I hurt, I fall, I hurt some more, I bleed, I die.

I rise again.

What on earth am I doing?

Love.

Oh, Monday. You're too good to me.

My stress seems to manifest in new ways all of the time. I suppose this is meant to keep me on my toes.

Today, my jaw decided to lock up. All of a sudden while driving, moving my jaw became excruciating. Given my already existing jaw problems, the added stress of clenching my jaw and teeth was enough to cause the muscle to freak out. And today was not the best of days as it involved menstruation, taxes, and my current feelings about my relationship status. It all just seemed to culminate on this glorious Monday.

Some Advil and menthol cream later, I'm still trying to soften it up. I'm predicting it's going to take a few days, in fact. However, with the craziness of Festival del Sol, I need to keep it together. The High Tech High students have this crazy Festival in order to present all their hard work and I'm sure many will be close to tears by Thursday evening.

I just hope this clears up soon. If not, well, I might as well start looking for a long-term remedy now. Stress prevention is my next project.

creating bridges

It's the same with any relationship. You build one. You feed it. You nurture it. You do what you have to do if it is what you want. It grows. It creates purpose. It inspires us. It teaches us about who we are. It's painful, and magical, and agonizing, and unfathomable. You do crazy things, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you beg and plead, you cry, you bleed. You'll need space and time, you need standards. It'll make you scream and laugh at the same time. You'll know everything you've ever needed to know and nothing at the same time. You'll be a monster, the very person you never wanted to become. You'll hate it. You'll hurt people and let yourself be hurt. You'll make bad decisions. Maybe you'll abuse someone, maybe you'll cheat, maybe you won't do anything. This is what it's about. It's love. It's not supposed to be perfect. There's no norm, no instruction manual, no "pause" button, no rules. You're on your own.